Sunday, November 5, 2017

“Let's Help SPEC Mueller!” (A Childlike, Left Wing Fantasy - PARTIE UN)

This Sarcasm Just In...


Image result for spec mueller
Let's Help SPEC Mueller!(A Childlike, Left Wing Fantasy - PARTIE UN)
By Bathhouse John for Vox Populi | November 5, 2017 at 12 PM (“High Noon”)


Apologies. I’ve been about as productive as our Congress, lately. This silly stage play is based upon the classic children’s show Barney and Friends, Season 1, Episode 15, "Let's Help Mother Goose!"


SPEC (Special Counsel) MUELLER as Himself


CHUCK Schumer as Himself


TED “Boo Hoo” Lieu as Himself


JEFF (Snow)Flake as Himself


HILLARY Clinton Crooked Hillary (HC2H - the perfect formula for corruption) as Herself


HARVEY Weinstein as Himself

MAXINE Waters as Herself (In a special guest starring role if we can find her head)



As JEFF, TED and HILLARY leave a liberal classroom, the former two daintily holding empty hot cocoa mugs and crinkled tissues, and the latter clutching (Kung Fu grip-like) an attache case stuffed with Russian Rubles....


JEFF
Yeah, I’m droppin’ out.


TED
Ooh, really? Move to my home, the Golden Fleece State of California.


HILLARY
(Angry, mutters to herself)
Donna Brazile, my a**-


HARVEY suddenly enters, holding a pool stick, hand in pocket.


HILLARY
(Elated)
Hi, Harvey!


TED
Hello, my most friendly friend!


JEFF
(Ponders, speaks softly)
I’m all in already! (Excitedly waves) Hey, Harvey!


SUDDENLY...as HILLARY’S ears wiggle back and forth, the SOUND of corruption and bribery viz-a-viz dollar bills (and Rubles) being shuffled can be heard. Other than HILLARY, HARVEY, and JEFF, all are startled by the sounds of bribery.


TED
Stop right there! Do you hear what I hear?


The others look around, acting all innocent, like the Nazis did then, and the Democratic Socialist Nazi Party of America does now.


HARVEY/JEFF/HILLARY
(Guilty as sin)
No. Not at all.


JEFF
(Brief moment of conscience)
It does sound a little like corruption.


HILLARY
(Trained response)
But there’s no one corrupt here!


The sounds of corruption and bribery viz-a-viz dollar bills (and Rubles) being shuffled gets even louder.


HARVEY
(Plays dumb, then an afterthought)
Well, let’s see if we can uncover the malfeasance. (Grabs smartphone, texts) “Hey, Kevin. It’s me. Talk on you later!”


TED/JEFF
(Set down empty hot cocoa mugs and crinkled tissues)
Let’s see here, er, uh-


HILLARY
(Sets down attache case - NOT!)
Yeah, let’s.


The four move across the classroom toward the corrupt sound.


HARVEY
Maybe it’s Jimmy Carter?


JEFF
Hell, no...Praise God!


TED
He’s a peanut farmer!


HILLARY
(As she sucks down some phlegm)
Maybe it’s Bill?


SUDDENLY…


SPEC MUELLER
(Invisible, behind the scenes)
Help! Help!


As the four look around pretending to be startled…


SPEC MUELLER
(Invisible, behind the scenes)
Harvey! Ted! Jeff! Hillary! Over here - near the ATM machine.


HARVEY
Did you hear that? (Winks) A crooked liberal needs help!


JEFF
(Looks around, really is stupid)
But who?


CUE THE MAGICAL MUSIC as CHUCK Schumer suddenly appears.


CHUCK
Hi, there!


ALL
(Look surprised due to the magic of playwright, hug)
Chuck!


CHUCK
Hello, homies! I’m New York tickled to see all of my corrupt friends again, but did I hear you say another crooked liberal is in trouble?


SPEC MUELLER
(Invisible, behind the scenes)
Help! Oh, uh, CH-U-CK! Over here! Near the ATM machine!


CHUCK
(Pretends to be surprised)
But who could it be? And where could they be?


JEFF
They?


TED
They who?


HARVEY
They who who?


HILLARY
(Frustrated cuz this gig is pro bono)
All of you - Shut the f*ck up!


SPEC MUELLER
(Invisible, behind the scenes)
Over here!


The dingalings move toward the sounds of corruption and bribery.


CHUCK
The sound seems to be coming right . . . about . . . here! (Gently pats ATM machine)


SPEC MUELLER
(Invisible, behind the scenes, laughs)
Well, it’s about time, my ilk. I thought you’d never put two and two three dollar bills together. Whew!


CHUCK
(Pretends to be confused)
Huh? (Pretends to be excited) It’s my very good friend, SPEC Mueller, the special counsel investigating Russian Collusion - perhaps even involving President Trump. All roads lead to Moscow!


HILLARY
(Eyes shift rapidly, swallows hard)
Oh, sh*t!


TED
(Enamored - like Kevin Spacey toward a young boy)
Spec Mueller. Being that you're Deep State, how do you know Chuck?




SPEC MUELLER
(Invisible, behind the scenes, ponders)
You're from the Golden Fleece State aren't you, Ted? (Mutters) Dumb ass. NOW! I need your souls to aid in the protection of the evil globalist plan to destroy America. Do you all hear the now mere faint sound of corruption and bribery coming from inside my ATM machine?


ALL
Yes, yes we do!


SPEC MUELLER
(Invisible, behind the scenes)
Well, I’m fearful that the Fakestream Media is no longer able to cover up the plot - especially since, pardon me - no pun intended - it’s hard to articulate . . . Donald J. Trump won the presidency! Independent Media Outlets, like the dastardly playwright of this rhetorical ditty herein, are exposing the dark, dank slimy secrets to the hardworking taxpaying patriotic public. You know, those Americans who actually care about our country . . . not the globalists - or you fools!


HILLARY
(Oscar performance-like)
Independent Media Outlets? (Fumbles nervously) Do they like to tell the truth?


CHUCK
(Laughs nervously)
Uh, huh. The Fakestream Media, you know, CNN, Ms. NBC, the Disney Channel - they lie and are our friends. They’re G-O-O-D! But the Independent Media...Breitbart, Drudge, Circa, Vox Populi - We Dare, and the like...They’re B-A-D!


HILLARY
Oh, no!


SPEC MUELLER
(Invisible, behind the scenes)
Oh, yes! They’re exposin’, but worse - they’re crimpin’ our corrupt cash flow. Trump’s the cause - he must go! Chuck...would you be so greedy as to check inside my ATM machine and tabulate the concentration of green. Unzip the panel carefully.


CHUCK
(As he unzips the panel carefully)
Sure, SPEC MUELLER, no-


ALL
(Gasp)
Oh!


CHUCK
It’s empty, SPEC Mueller. The corruption and bribes are now all dried up. This ATM machine is no more effective than the de facto defunct CGI, or a criminal investigation pursued by criminals. (Dimwitted) Come to think of it....


TED
(Crestfallen)
The Independent Media has had a negative effect on the evil plot to destroy America.


HILLARY
(Tearful)
There’s but little bribery, slush funds and enormous Russian “speaking fees” left in the kitty of corruption.


CHUCK
(Reality check)
There goes the liberal neighborhood… No more ability to control DNC’s candidates, the sweet flowing sound of unmitigated cash infusions from George Soros, (Scared, to himself really, as voice rises steadily) and loss of the total control of New York City’s liberal mob viz-a-viz a welfarized economy!


SPEC MUELLER
(Uplifting, like Hitler after Stalingrad)
Now, now, don’t be sad. We can realign the Left’s axis of evil, and maybe even get Trump impeached, but it will take a lot of imagination and a phony full court press by our Fakestream Media pals. Chuck, will you please zip up my ATM panel carefully. It’s beginning to feel a bit drafty down here.


CHUCK
(Zips up panel carefully)
Naturally! (To himself) “Bout all I’m really good at. (Struggles unusually so) Let me see. (Delighted) There you are, Spec Mueller!


SPEC MUELLER
(Determined, like the evil spirit in The Amityville Horror)
Now, let’s have all of us left wingers - yes, even you Jeff - use our albeit crazy, but definitely inventive and overactive imaginations . . . and get me the f*ck out of this now depressingly empty ATM machine!


TED
(Overjoyed, thinking...)
That’s our favorite game!


CHUCK, HARVEY, TED, JEFF, and HILLARY are ecstatic at the corrupt possibilities and swing and sway as the music cues for the Left Wing children’s song, “SPEC Mueller” (Starts at 3:50)...


ALL
SPEC Mueller, SPEC Mueller
Your breath brings fear
We’d be a tad bit happier
If conservatives you commandeer
We’ve heard your many crimes
From Breitbart, Drudge, Vox Populi
If you could quickly appear
It’d create a nice political smear


SPEC Mueller, SPEC Mueller
We’ve heard your many crimes
From Breitbart, Drudge, Vox Populi
SPEC Mueller, SPEC Mueller
If you could quickly appear
It’d create a nice political smear


SPEC Mueller, SPEC Mueller
Your breath brings fear
We’d be a tad bit happier
If conservatives you commandeer
We’ve heard your many crimes
From Breitbart, Drudge, Vox Populi
If you could quickly appear
It’d create a nice political smear


SPEC Mueller, SPEC Mueller
We’ve heard your many crimes
From Breitbart, Drudge, Vox Populi
SPEC Mueller, SPEC Mueller
If you could quickly appear
It’d create a nice political smear


Like an appointment for a special counsel to investigate “Russian collusion” in the 2016 Election whose authority, depth, and scope then spreads like a herpes virus amongst Bill Clinton’s partners, SPEC MUELLER “magically” appears. ALL are excited and thankful for this most special "demonicratic" hero...


SPEC MUELLER
(Laughs, dizzy)
Oh, ho, ho!


CHUCK
(Elated beyond compare)
Hi, there, SPEC Mueller!


SPEC MUELLER
(Hugs, kisses CHUCK - in a weird Hitlerian kind of way)
Hi, there, Chuck! (Winks) Good to see you again. (To the “children”) Thank you for using your imaginations. (To JEFF) Believe me, Jeff, that’s the best thing to use when things go wrong!


JEFF
(Flabbergasted, like “Oh, sh*t!”)
How did you know my name?


SPEC MUELLER
(Flabbergasted, like “Are you really that stupid?”)
Why, I know all of your names, ranks-


CHUCK
Huh?


SPEC MUELLER
Serial numbers-


HILLARY
(Clutches attache of Rubles tighter, looks off camera)
Oh?


SPEC MUELLER
Sex partners-


HARVEY
On advice of counsel....


SPEC MUELLER
Locations of tattoos-


TED
(Eyes crotch area)
WTF!


SPEC MUELLER
Et cetera! (Points as he states the names of the liberal dimwits) Jeff, Chuck, Hillary, Harvey, and Ted. I know EVERY politico or otherwise who has ever stepped inside The Swamp here in D.C. I’m former FBI; it’s kinda my job to know all crimes. Oh, I have loved working crimes for a long, long time.


CHUCK, HARVEY, TED, JEFF, and HILLARY are unsure where this convo is going as the music cues for the Left Wing children’s song, “I’m SPEC Mueller” (Starts at 5:50)...


SPEC MUELLER
Oh, I’m SPEC Mueller and I’m here to state,
That I like to talk categorical crime,
I’ve been ‘round here for many, many ticks,
Like a f*cking very, very long trick,
I’ve been ‘round here for many, many ticks,
Like a f*cking very, very long trick!


Now, what is a crime you ask?
What is a crime per se?
Criminal activity will sure make smack,
Like collusion and bribery and launderin’ cash,
Like Uranium One diddle, and real pussy fiddle,
I like to converse about crime!


Oh, I’m SPEC Mueller and I’m here to state,
That I like to talk categorical crime,
I’ve been ‘round here for many, many ticks,
Like a f*cking very, very long trick,
I’ve been ‘round here for many, many ticks,
Like a f*cking very, very long trick!


Now, some of these crimes are quite funny,
And some drip, drip with sleazy slime,
And others consist of “harmless” animals,
Like the bear - as in Russian mammal,
I like to converse about crime!


Oh, I’m SPEC Mueller and I’m here to state,
That I like to talk categorical crime,
I’ve been ‘round here for many, many ticks,
Like a f*cking very, very long trick,
I’ve been ‘round here for many, many ticks,
(Does a little dance, then curtsies)
Like a f*cking very, very long trick!


ALL
That was great, SPEC Mueller.


CHUCK
(Giggles, claps)
D.C.’s always fun when you’re around SPEC Mueller!


SPEC MUELLER
(Snidely, pats CHUCK on head)
Naturally. There’s little difference between lawyers and liars, now, is there.


Like wild hyenas, ALL LAUGH uproariously with SPEC MUELLER.


TED
(Approaches SPEC MUELLER fawningly)
Have you been friends with Chuck a long time?


SPEC MUELLER
(As he “high fives” Chuck)
Oh, my goodness, f*cking a! (Spots ATM machine, somber) Oh, sh*tstorm, what a big problem. (Leans over to CHUCK, whispers) I might need to borrow some cash later.


CHUCK
Sure, sure. (Motions to HILLARY) But she's the loaded one.


SPEC MUELLER
To quickly reiterate the plotline of this silly stage play . . . Remember the evil globalist plan to destroy America? I’m fearful that the Fakestream Media is no longer able to cover up the plot - especially since, pardon me - no pun intended - it’s hard to articulate . . . Donald J. Trump won the presidency!  Independent Media Outlets, like the dastardly playwright of this rhetorical ditty herein, are exposing the dark, dank slimy secrets to the hardworking taxpaying patriotic public. (Suddenly really sad, like when witnessing Old Yeller die the first time)


HILLARY
(Giddy, big smile)
You need to find a way to keep President Trump off-balance; prevent him from carrying out his agenda. I know: Why don’t you just prosecute other, non-essential crimes?


SPEC MUELLER
(Suddenly really happy, like when witnessing Quint getting devoured by the shark for the fifth time)
YES! I could make my investigation suddenly valid - like new. A Phoenix rising from the ashes! (Suddenly really sad, like when witnessing President-elect Donald J. Trump’s election night speech.) But I don’t think I can uncover all of the crimes, misdemeanors, felonies, alleged, definite, sort of, maybe, mere cranial concepts, and what-not, going back many, many ticks, like a f*cking very, very long trick.


HILLARY
(Approaches, clutching attache case even tighter, excited)
I know . . . (Motions to all) WE can help you remember all of those crimes. Right everybody?


ALL
Darn tootin’!


CHUCK
We sure can, can’t we?


ALL
(Eye CHUCK)
Huh?


SPEC MUELLER
Oh, could you all? That’s just especially wonderful!


END PARTIE UN


Unless you’re an Angry Liberal Voter, Willing Government Dependent, 1%er, or just plain stupid, don’t be fooled by the Democratic Socialist Nazi Party of America. The globalists are running scared and they’ve sicked their call girls, the Fake Stream Media Outlets, after President Trump and his administration. Yeah, well, Donald J. Trump is no angel but his worst traits are saintly compared to the DSNPA’s best. If you don’t take that to the bank, the DSNPA will take you to the cleaners - and along for a Chicago-style “one way ride.”
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