Saturday, July 30, 2016

Clash of the Titans: Crooked Hillary vs. Donald J. Trump (A Joke and Rap Roast for the Charity of the American People)

This Sarcastic Note Just In…


Clash of the Titans: Crooked Hillary vs. Donald J. Trump (A Joke and Rap Roast for the Charity of the American People)


By Bathhouse John for Vox Populi |  July 30, 2016 at 12 PM (“High Noon”)


Vox Populi is truth serum laced into the doobage of the Left Wing Mediums - clairvoyants with their trembling left hand around the jugular of the people, and their right around the nearest vanilla snack cake. The taxpayers gotta get the facts somehow.


Hello, there! J.Q. Voter here! Welcome to this special event, a first in American politics: a benefit comedy performance (all proceeds go to the American voters who are smart enough to set aside emotion and truly weigh the facts as they will benefit our country and our families) by our two presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton and Donald J. Trump, Democratic and Republican, Career Politician and Business Mogul, Hoodrobin and Robinhood, a Crooked Lady and The Trump.


Visualize this: Hillary Clinton Crooked Hillary (HCCH), AKA “Zika Sista Soldya!” is dressed as so: dreaded goldilocks, a tiger print pants suit, a slightly cocked blue with red baseball cap emblazoned with gold letters, “HCCH”, and “energy saving” house slippers made in “Hot Springs,” Arkansas, by a family friend. Hillary also wears a ubiquitous large powder blue clock (made in, where else, China) around the neck with a face of all the “bitches who accused Bill of rape.” A sight to see. (See: Sister Souljah) (See: Energizer Bunny) (See: Notches on Bill's Belt)


And visualize this: Donald J. Trump Trump J. Donald (DJTTJD), AKA “Manhattan Project” is dressed as so: all gold workout suit with a slightly cocked blue with red baseball cap emblazoned with gold letters, “Vote Trump Or Don’t”, and leather shoes made in a Haitian sweatshop owned by a Clinton “athletic supporter,” only Trump didn’t realize until after the contest because the article’s label stated, “Made in the U.S.A.” Trump also wears a ubiquitous large red clock (made in, where else, China) around the neck with a face of all the casinos The Trump Organization owns. A sight to see. (See: Clinton Cash)


Both seem excited to “get rappin’” and “roast jokin’.” I explain the rules to our contestants: Each get a few breaths to pulverize their opponent, completely demolish and destroy (in case the description seems fuzzy) their spirit, sense of well-being and overall value as a human being on this planet in either a rap than a joke - which the other must oblige likewise. Mr. J.Q. Public, Me!, will initiate the campaign issue. This should slay all who pay attention . . . After all, we’re talking the most important election in my lifetime for sure, if not the most important election since 1860 and Abraham Lincoln: shall we remain half slave (viz-a-viz Democratic rule) and half free (viz-a-viz Republican rule) or become all one (slave with a big “D” or free with a big “R”)?


I note that Hillary and Trump begin to “mad dog” each other. The suspense is killing me. OK - “Who wants to go first?” I ask of the future potential titular leaders. “Me, me, me!” screams Hillary to the chagrin of Trump. “Mr. T - Do you mind?” I gingerly ask. Without a spoken word, he motions for her to start. I add, “Joke or-”


HCCH
RAP!


VOTER
Wall on southern border - go!


HCCH
Yo, you wanna know
Who’s the man, the show
I say no, no, vote, no
D.J. Trump what a ho!
(Gives a gangsta thug head bob)


DJTTJD
Flakes abound in air
On scalps all around
Don’t listen to this wrinkled
Old non-plus savoir-faire!
(Gives a gangsta thug head bob)


VOTER
Hold it! Cut! Do over! You guys sound like meaningless politicians. The topic was building a wall in the southern border. Hillary - go!


HCCH
The wall’s no joke
My mantras’ just awoke
I no wanna build walls
I wanna build bridges, poke holes.
(Gives a gangsta thug folded arms)


DJTTJD
The wall’s no joke
That you got right - jack
If we don’t stop the rhetorical flack
Maybe the terr’s ‘ill kill your a**.
(Gives a gangsta thug folded arms)


VOTER
Trump - Illegal immigration - joke!


DJTTJD
Hey, Hill, I heard the City of San Francisco is suing you for trademark violation . . . After all Lombard Street is supposed to be the world’s crookedest!


I have to prevent HCCH from clawing the eyes of Trump out. She’s, well, pissed.


HCCH
(Hums)
We all live in a yellow submarine. Hey, Don - is that yellow bouffant a submarine?


Trump says under his breath, “Ooh, I could hit her so hard, her head will spin.” (See: Trump Punch)


VOTER
Hold it! Cut! Do over! AGAIN . . . You guys sound like meaningless politicians. The topic was illegal immigration. Trump - go!


DJTTJD
Hillary thinks all illegal immigrants should be legal because her view of illegal activity is that if it feels good, it must be legal.


I have to admit, along with Hillary, that the joke sucked.


HCCH
Yeah, well Donald thinks all legal immigrants should be illegal because his view of legal activity is that if it feels good, it must be illegal.


I have to admit, along with Donald, that THAT joke sucked, too. I suggested a pause and a “smoke break” in the “Green Room” courtesy of some Colo Bong weed The Bern shared with me back in Philly. (See: Dude!) This should improve their performances. Isn’t that kinda sorta the lesson we got from Lance Armstrong? After the smoke clears and we reset a few studio smoke alarms...


VOTER
Trump - National Debt - Rap!


DJTTJD
Hey, ho, no, no more
Where’d the mighty ‘ol dollar go?
A few trill here, a few thereon
Obama tanked our green
In the well, wars, even Tehr-ror-ran!


HCCH
You wish mogul cuz
You rap like a Buggle
MTV star on crack
Obama’s our man
He had to pay da constituents back!


VOTER
OK. A lot funnier. Trump - Guns - Joke


DJTTJD
Yeah, of course. Gun control. Hillary blames guns on everything from deaths to UFOs, to her husband’s 200 million affairs. Hillary blaming guns for deaths is like blaming Bill’s alleged rape victims for the rapes. But we all know how much she really BELIEVES IN THAT LINE OF THINKING: Blames Bill, blames taxpayers, blames Blacks, blames Whites, blames women, blames LGBTQs, blames guns…. (See: Notches on Bill's Belt)


Hillary approaches Trump with a red face and a raised fist. “I’ll hit you all right.” I step in between her and accidentally get punched. Yes. I got a black eye but since her lawyers (former FBI agents) had me sign a nondisclosure, non-liability agreement before the show, Hillary got off and I was, like the voters, well, you know….


HCCH
Donald . . . you’re so pro-gun, you forget sometimes whether you’re holding your .38 or your schwanzstucker.


Trump waves off the, I must admit, pretty low, pretty vulgar blow. I hear that THAT’S par for the course with the Duchess of Smut especially when she was in the White House. (See: Hillary's Foul Mouth)


VOTER
Hillary - Islamic Terrorists - Rap!


HCCH
What the-?
Don’t give me no smack
There’s no such thing as
Islamic terrorist attacks!


DJTTJD
What the? . . . old hag
Can’t you see the body bags?
Just last month a jihadi punk
Shot up a disco down in da swamp!


VOTER
OK. Last Round. The brain’s tired. Trump - LGBTQ - Rap


DJTTJD
The LGBTQ fight on
I’ve had their backs since day one
I take no bribes from Muslim sheiks
Nor do I lie and cover my sins of sneak.


HCCH
I’m no dummy
Yeah, I took the money
But, hey, ho, what can I say?
It’s simple politics - nothing funny.


Last I heard, Hillary hid in the “Green Room” and puffed away while Trump headed out, somewhat the worse for wear, to his next campaign stop. Vote Trump Or Not!


© 2016 Vox Populi. All laughs reserved on content crafted anew. Whether you love or hate what I say, please share it with a friend or enemy. The 2016 Election is personal and I support Donald J. Trump. Our kids and grandkids cannot afford the alternative, Chairwoman Clinton and the Democratic Communist Party of America. (jvhoffmannjr.blogspot.com)









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