Saturday, November 12, 2016

Mr. Soros Goes to Omaha (A 6.66 Minute Half-Assed Stage Play)

This Sarcasm Just In...

Mr. Soros Goes to Omaha (A 6.66 Minute Half-Assed Stage Play)

By Bathhouse John for Vox Populi | November 12, 2016 at 12 PM (“High Noon”)


CHARACTERS

NARRATOR

George SOROS

Warren BUFFETT

Paul BEST (Legendary Musician)

FALCO (Spirit of Legendary Musician)

Hillary CLINTON

Vladimir PUTIN

Donald TRUMP

EBT (Guy on Welfare)

PATRON


SETTING

The present day.

It’s A G-Thing Yogurt and Sundries Shop, Omaha, Nebraska - a shadowy place along Underpass Drive in the Crocodile Dundee Neighborhood.

SOROS, BUFFETT and BEST sit at a small table next to a window, barely suitable for two fat old men and a legendary rockstar. A Ford Expedition sits outside with EBT, a small man with a big mouth, paying close attention to the three eating large, messy cones of frozen yogurt, only BUFFETT stares at it as the blob melts. All the characters are dressed “to the nines” - except EBT. A full moon is visible through the slimy, greasy window pain.

NARRATOR
No real Nebraskans were harmed, nor are they targeted in any way, shape or form. Rather, Omaha represents wholesome, middle America which the globalists want to destroy . . . with a smile. Anything to make a buck.

SOROS
(He wears an obligatory milk stash and speaks with a weird accent - a cross, er, mishmash between a Hungarian Jew and a mouth full of cherry Slurpee)
I em Hungarian.

BEST
This is dessert, George - we just ate an hour ago.

BUFFETT
(Smiling, tempered like the B-9 Class M-3 General Utility Non-Theorizing Environmental Control Robot from Lost In Space)
You only have to do a very few things right in your life so long as you don't do too many things wrong.

BEST
(Confused)
Oh?

SOROS
You know, I do appreciate de Beatles but, frankly, my dear, Ringo was my favorite.

BEST
(Miffed)
Truthfully, I’m told that a lot.

BUFFETT
It is not necessary to do extraordinary things to get extraordinary results.

BEST
(More Miffed)
Is that so? (Mutters, looks around) Is he in cahoots with my ex?

SOROS
(Studies yogurt running all over his hand)
Und I heard dis from Amy Schumer, too . . . you know, de former comedian? She said you're the fifth best one - out of five: Ringo, John, George, Pete - then you, sir!

BEST
(Flustered)
Comedienne, George. Comedienne. (Mutters to himself sarcastically) The fifth best one - out of five! (Motions with fists) Ooh, Bang, zoom!

SOROS
Whatever she was, my kind feather rich friend.

BEST
That’s fine feather rich-

BUFFETT
Nothing sedates rationality like large doses of effortless money.

BEST
What the hell is Warren babbling about? Did he smoke dope when he was younger?

SOROS
(Finishes cone, loudly licks fingers)
Tisk, tisk, never ever underestimate your competition, Paul. (Studies the slimy, greasy window as he speaks) Now, I do not believe Donald Trump has any chance of being elected. Oh (Laughs), he will win the popular vote in a landslide, but our people will ensure Hillary, my personal friend, will win the electoral college.

BEST
(Fidgety as if he has his finger stuck in an alligator’s snout)
Uhh, Earth to George. Where have you been? Trump won the election. (Mutters) Damn Hungarians.

SOROS
Oh, I’m not hungry, thank you. Wait! Trump won?

BEST
(Tosses cone into nearby trash bin, but misses, flippantly)
Tisk, tisk, never ever underestimate your competition, George.

Suddenly, FALCO enters and approaches BEST, but since he is a spirit, FALCO is unnoticed, almost like EBT in real life. He picks up cone and tosses it into BEST’S crotch. BEST is stunned.

BEST
(Angry, jumps up, wipes off crotch)
Incredible - reminds me of a song . . . (Struggles to be at peace) . . . just “Let It Be.”

FALCO
(Auf Deutsch)
In der Tagen, dachte Ich sehr über dich. Was für eine Enttäuschung. Ja, Ringo gefällt mir am besten, auch. Erinner dich das Lied, “Everybody Ringo?” von Pat “Redbone” Vegas? Der einige Beatle so das Lied zu haben.
(Auf Englisch)
In the day, I looked up to you. What a disappointment. Yes, Ringo was my favorite, too. Remember the song, “Everybody Ringo” by Pat "Redbone" Vegas? The only Beatle to have such a song.

FALCO exits.

NARRATOR
Apologies to my German and Austrian audiences. My German is a bit rusty. Film at Eleven...

SOROS
Atkozott! Trump won? I must be losing my thieving ways. Oh, my God-

BUFFETT
It's better to hang out with people better than you. Pick out associates whose behavior is better than yours and you'll drift in that direction.

BEST
(Thoroughly disgusted - like done!)
So now you tell me. (Carefully grabs BUFFETT’s yogurt covered hand, maneuvers it over an ash tray and turns it over to allow the cone to fall in)

SOROS
(Takes note of ash tray, shocked)
I thought there were no smoking laws in Omaha?

BEST
(Thoroughly disgusted with conversation)
This is just a one act play, George. (To himself) Where is this social ditty going? We need Deus Ex Machina right about now.

Because time is of the essence, in walks CLINTON (dressed in - what else but an orange striped jumpsuit) followed by TRUMP and PUTIN dressed in rather casual clothes, TRUMP with an American Flag pin and PUTIN with a Russian Flag pin. CLINTON notes the three dimwits and rushes over whereas TRUMP and PUTIN, holding a Most Wanted Poster of George Soros, take a seat nearby.

BUFFETT
Price is what you pay; value is what you get. Whether you shop at Walmart or Kmart, I like buying quality merchandise when it is marked down; especially if it’s essentially free, like foreclosed homes.

BEST
(Reaches for a piano wire in his pocket, contemplates its length and BUFFET’S neck size, then reemerges from the darkness)
George - you need to shut Buffett the F*** up before I go Liverpool on this guy.

ALL THREE note CLINTON, smile and rise. BEST and BUFFETT reach out for her but she pushes them aside and embraces SOROS . . . almost kinda weird - like when she praised the Exalted Cyclops in the KKK, West Virginia’s late Senator Robert Byrd.  The two globalists kiss on the lips. CLINTON sits on SOROS’ lap. As he plays with her faux blonde hair, his fingers stick to the strands making her uncomfortable throughout the scene, her head moving, well, like a puppet.

SOROS
Hillary . . . my little bab. I’m so sorry we weren’t able to steal the election for you. This isn’t Chicago, you know.

CLINTON
(Starts to cry)
I know, I know. Please don’t remind me.

SOROS
(Dreamy)
Oh, how stealing was so much easier back in Hitler’s day.

BEST
(A realization, almost like “What the F***?”)
Um, George, what exactly do you mean? I’m uncomfortable right about now. (Mutters to himself, slaps himself in the head) Damn! Ringo wouldn’t be caught dead in this one act play!

SOROS
So I stole from a few Jews? I mean I'm a Jew. I steal from myself, from you, from the American people. (Laughs) I wasn't even born here. Ignet - Hungary-

CLINTON
(Dries eyes)
Are you still hungry?

SOROS
No longer, no. What a country! But, people do get touchy about this, this ancient history.

BUFFET
Opportunities come infrequently. When it rains gold, put out the bucket, not-

BEST
(Covers BUFFETT’S mouth with hand)
Warren, before this night is over, I swear I’ll-

HILLARY
Yeah, yeah, I know the feeling. So, I accepted a few hundreds of millions in bribes and people do get touchy. I mean, What difference, at this point, does it make?

SOROS
(Laughs)
Igen! Igen!

HILLARY
(Laughs and has a coughing fit, struggles to annunciate)
Opportunities come infrequently. When it rains gold, put out the bucket, not-

BEST
(Confused)
What the hell does "igen" mean?

HILLARY
(Struggles to speak)
I don't know - Google it like the Narrator - but a lot of ill-gained money always makes me smile.

NARRATOR
Had enough of this political conundrum? Me, too. More importantly, our two remaining characters, TRUMP and PUTIN have also had enough and approach the now four dimwits.

PUTIN
(To Soros, holds up Arrest Warrant, in Russian)
George, you’re old, fat a** is under arrest-

SOROS
(Incredulous)
For what?

PUTIN
For war crimes, treason and for just being a big rich d***! I’m haulin’ you back to Moscow for trial.

SOROS
(Resigned)
Oh . . . that.

NARRATOR
Apologies to my Russian audience, but I do not speak Russian and subsequently cannot translate Putin’s dialogue.

SOROS and CLINTON shake uncontrollably. BEST is confused. BUFFETT, well…

BUFFETT
I will tell you how to become rich. Close the doors. Be fearful when others are greedy. Be greedy when others are fearful.

TRUMP
Believe me, we know Warren how you took advantage of people losing their homes, stockpiled them at barn burner prices, sat on ‘em, and resold them when the market returned.

BEST
(Disgusted)
I should have known. Ringo wouldn’t put up with this high falutin’ corporate grab a**; neither would John, George or Pete. I’m so ashamed.

BEST exits.

TRUMP
(Turns to PATRON)
Open the door, please.

PATRON
Yes, sir, President Trump.

PUTIN
(Angry, in Russian)
Get up you Nazi war criminal, or I’ll drag your a** all the way back to Russia.

SOROS
(Throws CLINTON under table)
You can’t touch me. I’ll sick my angry mobs after you. (Yells) EBT!

EBT enters, disheveled, hurriedly and immediately eyes melted ice cream on the table. He licks his lips as TRUMP takes note.

SOROS
Show these fine men that I am untouchable. Use your threats of anarchy and Oakland-style thug muscle, Homie G!

TRUMP
(Sees through the charade)
Come on, I’ll buy you lunch.

TRUMP and EBT exeunt. Too fat and old, SOROS struggles to run out the door but PUTIN trips him. He falls and cries hysterically.

SOROS
You, fiend! I’ll sick the UN after you.

PUTIN
(In Russian)
Shut up, you filthy globalist.  (Looks under table at CLINTON, in broken English) You’re in big trouble, Crooked Hillary.

PUTIN and SOROS exeunt followed by all in shop - except for BUFFETT who…

BUFFETT
I tell college students, when you get to be my age you will be successful-

LIGHTS OUT

BUFFETT
If the people who you hope to have love you do love you.

CURTAIN


Unless you’re a Willing Welfare Lifer, 1%er, or just plain stupid, don’t be fooled by the Democratic Nazi Party of America, or their presidential selection, Barack Obama. The globalists are running scared. Yeah, well, Donald J. Trump is no angel but his worst traits are saintly compared to the DNPA’s best. If you don’t take that to the bank, the DNPA will take you to the cleaners - and along for a Chicago-style “one way ride.”


© 2016 Vox Populi. All laughs reserved on content crafted anew. Whether you like or hate what you read, feel free to share this with your friends and enemies. The 2016 Election is personal and as an Indie Voter . . . I support Donald J. Trump. (jvhoffmannjr.blogspot.com)


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