Sunday, November 13, 2016

Zombie Protesters: A Losing Democratic Party Apocalypse (Short Stage Play)

This Sarcasm Just In...

Zombie Protesters: A Losing Democratic Party Apocalypse (Short Stage Play)

By Bathhouse John for Vox Populi | November 13, 2016 at 12 PM (“High Noon”)


CHARACTERS

TRUMP TROUPE
PETE (White Guy)
PANCHO (Latino Guy)
LINH (Asian Girl)
RON (Suburban Black Guy)
MUHAMMAD (Muslim Guy)
RASHIDA (Urban Black Girl)
STANDING BEAR (Quadriplegic Native American Guy)

ET AL
ZOMBIE PROTESTERS (Democratic Party Protesters - What Else?)
BERNIE Sanders (Socialist Flunkie)
AYATOLLAH Khomeini (Iranian Leader)
Radio ANNOUNCER
LBJ
George SOROS (Goober of the Globalists, Judaic Dropout)


CUE the THEME SONG: “Birds on a Wire” by Pat “Redbone” Vegas from the album, Ambergris: Speed of Sound. (See: "Birds On A Wire")


SETTING

Abandoned hospital at George Air Force Base in the Mojave Desert, 75 miles northeast of Los Angeles. Naturally, it’s dark and a Super Moon shines brightly in the sky.

Our troupe of characters sit around on dirty chairs and couches in an abandoned hospital waiting room. They are part of a Trump Inter-race, Inter-Faith Solidarity Night held in nearby Victorville designed to explain the incoming president’s policies during his first 100 days. Each troupe member speaks in his or her own unique accent (censored of course). (How they end up at an abandoned Air Force base 10 miles away is incomprehensible and unexplainable. The setting just fits with this apocalyptic story.) The only light shines from the Super Moon outside. As they look around in abject bafflement underscored with fear of the unknown, only the audience hears this bloodcurdling slow monologue...


ANNOUNCER

Now, the evil, Democratic Nazi Party of America, a tool of the maniacal globalists centered in Los Angeles and New York, having caught wind of this sense of national goodwill initiated by Donald J. Trump’s legal election victory, launches a preemptive strike to disturb this positive force and bring about chaos in the land. Using their violent “Blue Shirts” under the auspices of the DNC and George Soros, a moment in history not seen since Hitler’s rise to power in the 1930s, the DNPA orders up (at ten bucks an hour) tens of thousands of their Zombie Protesters nationwide. Their tyrannical goal: to scare, threaten, bamboozle, intimidate and even murder the silent majority into accepting Hillary Clinton as their new undemocratic leader.

So begins our harrowing story…

PANCHO
Can’t get over the fact that the Cubs beat my Dodgers.

LINH
Can’t get over the fact that the Cubs actually won the World Series.

PETE
(In own world)
They did? Oh, oh, yeah. (Ponders) To think I was born and raised there. You just get used to losing.

RASHIDA
(Gets up, brushes herself off - as if contaminated with nuclear waste)
What the? How did our a**** go from the old dingy motel on Route 66 to this s***hole?

STANDING BEAR
(Gets fingers caught in wheelchair spokes, winces, struggles to speak)
I was thinking the same thing.

PETE stands abruptly, picks up a rubber hose off of the floor and starts swinging it like a baseball bat.

MUHAMMAD
I . . . don’t think that’s a good idea.

SUDDENLY - LINH gets splattered with liquid goo ejected from inside the hose.

LIHN
Hey, you a******! (Looks herself over) What the-

RASHIDA
(Spots commotion through window, approaches it and points)
Uhh, hey guys, what the hell is that?

PETE
A window.

RASHIDA
No s***, Tupac. (Points again) Look!

ALL get up and approach window.

PANCHO
What the fudge? Hey, guys . . . I live in Bellflower and I heard on the TV that there were some crazy protests going on in L.A. and other cities across the country - even Oakland.

STANDING BEAR
There are always riots in Oakland, usually just Facebook Flash Mobs looking to go shopping on the dime of the working class - if you know what I mean.

RON
Yeah, ever since Jerry Brown lived there, the life of that beautiful city was sucked into a black hole.

MUHAMMAD
Moonbeam - what an a******!

LINH
Hey, I kinda like him. I mean, he comes from a famous political family.

PETE
He does?

RASHIDSA
So do the Kennedys and look what that got them; assassinations and rape accusations.

STANDING BEAR
(Studying crowd)
My friends, this crowd is not ordinary. My ancestors taught me that-

RON
When you see a crowd no matter the size approaching you, run!

ALL start to panic.

LIHN
They, they look like, like zombies.

PANCHO
Zombies? (Squints) This is silly! Maybe I need to go out and see for myself? Pete? Standing Bear?

PETE
Sure, why not? I mean, the Cubs won, so, I could die right now and it would be alright by me. (Smiles)

MUHAMMAD
Well, that’s fine and dandy but the next thing you know, according to my culture, unless you do something spectacular, it’s just blase old Heaven for you.

PANCHO, PETE and STANDING BEAR exeunt.

RASHIDA
Hey, Muhammad, what are you - an Indian? You know, do you wear a diaper on your head?

MUHAMMAD
(Frustrated but trying to understand)
No. First of all, the head dressing Hindus and Sikhs wear is called a turban - the married women wear a ghoonghat. Some Muslims wear turbans, the women a hijab. I am a Muslim but I don't wear either one.

LINH
(Steps forward, curious)
I would assume not, Muhammad . . . What is the purpose of the turban, hijab - and ghoon . . . gag?

MUHAMMAD
Ghoonghat, Linh. Ghoonghat. Again, I don’t wear them but I know they are religious but also customary; like how Americans like worship deep fried fast-

LINH
(Shouts, points)
Hey, guys!

SUDDENLY - PETE and PANCHO rush in and slam the door shut.

PANCHO
(Frightened)
Holy s***! They’re, they’re-

PETE
(Unfazed)
They’re zombies, zombie protesters to be precise; at least that’s what I can make of their grunts and chants.

RON
What do you mean, zombie protesters?

RASHIDA
Where’s-

SUDDENLY a loud pounding comes from the door.

ALL
Standing Bear!

RON helps him inside.

STANDING BEAR
(Beside himself)
Thanks a lot, pale faces! Here I thought we were a team? You two left me to be consumed by that evil mob of zombies! (Looks to Heavens) Oh, Great Spirit...

LINH
Oh, yeah, the zombie protesters: this is the doing of the Democratic Nazi Party of America and their puppet master, George-

RASHIDA
Soros! I read about that fat, old man.

PETE
Uh, guys, the zombies are a mere 300 yards from here. We better start to board this place up; don't appear to be goin’ anywhere soon. We have a little time-

MUHAMMAD
How do you know this?

PETE
Haven’t you ever watched zombie movies? What about The Walking Dead?

PANCHO
(Interjects)
Pete’s right! Ron?

RON
Everyone - grab large items to block and cover the doors and windows.

RASHIDA
Like what?

RON
Oh, you know, vending machines, iron lungs, X-ray machines - (Shrugs shoulders) anything that’s big enough to do the job. (Exits)

ALL look at each incredulously and slowly walk in different directions (except STANDING BEAR who wheels away).

ANNOUNCER
This is intermission, audience. Time to go get a drink, snack, drugs, illegal or otherwise. The story will magically wait for you to get back…

MEANWHILE...

The Trump Troupe is gathered in the same hospital office, only all the windows and doors are boarded up with the large items so described by RON above. PANCHO offers up a radio.

PANCHO
(Holds up radio)
Hey homies - look what I found. Let’s plug it in and see if it works.

LINH
(Nervous)
Uh, Homie G, there’s no power in this God-forsaken death trap.

PETE
Let’s hope the playwright included electricity in this God-forsaken story.

PANCHO
(Plugs radio in, turns it on, tunes it to station)

MUHAMMAD
Check the lights - somebody!

PETE
No dice. They’re all out of commission. That would take away from the “scare factor,” Muhammad. Catch my drift? (Winks)

ALL gather around radio.

ANNOUNCER
Other than Los Angeles County, San Bernardino County is the worst hit by these so called Zombie Protesters. Apparently, they're a phenomenon directly related to the number of welfare recipients . . . and San Berdoo is ranked the second poorest city per capita in the entire United States; only Detroit is worse.

PANCHO
What county are we in?

ALL look at each other in extreme fear and slowly mouth…

ALL
S-A-N B-E-R-N-A-R-D-I-N-O.

STANDING BEAR
(Looks in fear towards door)
Now, he tells me.

An eerie calm breaks the silence as the radio ANNOUNCER plays various top hits of the 70s, 80s and 90s.

LINH
(Approaches window)
What’s happening?

RASHIDA
Why is it happening?

RON
I don’t know exactly. Donald J. Trump got legally elected and then - BOOM!

ALL duck.

RON
Cries of foul play, unacceptable rule of law, Dems boo hooing like they’re kids at K Mart after a necessary spanking.

STANDING BEAR
(Wheels right up to RON)
Hey - wait a minute! Aren’t you a bit biased in your views?

RON
Not me - the playwright. I mean, look around, you, me, the zombies, we’re all a figment of the writer’s imagination. We only speak or act what we’re scripted to.

ALL
(Nod in unison)
Oh, yeah, right.

RON
Not that the playwright just recklessly bases everything on fiction, right.

ALL
(Nod in unison)
Right, right, right.

PETE
(Peers out window)
A lot of Blacks and Hispanics out there. (To Rashida and PANCHO) Why are they doing this?

RASHIDA
(Taken aback)
What're you asking me for?

PANCHO
(Angry, mails his fist)
Yeah-

PETE
Um, cuz you're Black and Hispanic.

RON
OH, Lord Jesus!

PANCHO
Why don’t YOU go ask them!

PETE
(Dumbfounded)
I thought all Blacks and Hispanics were Democrats?

RASHIDA
Eww! No way. I'm a Republican!


PETE
OK, OK. I pegged you guys wrong. (To Linh) Aren’t all Asians bad drivers?

RON
That’s enough!

LINH
(Steps forward)
That’s . . . actually true. On the other hand, aren’t all Whites lazy?

MUHAMMAD
(Postures)
That’s what I hear.

STANDING BEAR
Yep, yep.

Tempers flare. RASHIDA rushes to the center of the group.

RASHIDA
Hey, guys: we don’t want this little stage play to turn into a racist rant, now do we?

ALL
(Nod in unison)
Right, right, right.

LINH
So, who or what are these zombie protesters and what’s their angle?

We hear scraping against the walls outside, along with slow inarticulate murmurs. RASHIDA slowly steps forward.

RASHIDA
(Swallows hard)
Zombie Protesters are tax-eating zombies who lack emotion and empathy for those who actually pay for Obamacare, EBT, Section 8, cost of illegal immigration, cash welfare payments, Obama Phones, etc.

PETE
Are they dangerous?

RASHIDA
(Nods slowly)
Very. The trick is to figure out what they want from you (looks around, motions), from us.

MUHAMMAD
(Rubs chins)
Hmm.

SUDDENLY the ZOMBIE PROTESTERS pound on the doors and windows, mumbling and chanting inarticulate nothings.

ALL are scared and carry on as if it really is a zombie apocalypse and their gruesome deaths are imminent. ALL struggle to fight back the ZOMBIE PROTESTERS which fight to get in.

LINH
(Looks through window)
No, way! Look!

RASHIDA
What?

LINH
It's Bernie Sanders . . . the Socialist.

BERNIE appears and fights to get in.

PANCHO
I thought the old bag was still alive?

PETE
Yeah, well, this plot point in the story is sort of muddled.

RON
Yeah, and looks who's right behind him!

STANDING BEAR
Is that, Senator Robert Byrd, Exalted Cyclops in the KKK, Hillary's mentor?

AYATOLLAH appears and fights to get in as we hear his theme song, “Ayatollah” by Steve Dahl and the Teenage Radiation. (See: Ayatollah's Theme Song)

MUHAMMAD
(Slaps hand of AYATOLLAH and it falls on floor)
No, brother, that's the Ayatollah Khomeini! Can’t you tell by the beard and flesh decay? He’s been dead for quite some time.

A LARGE CRASH as LBJ appears before RASHIDA as aggressive and uglier than ever...

RASHIDA
(Fighting back LBJ)
Oh, my, look who’s breaking through the front door. No!

ALL look and see what - well - remains of LBJ.

STANDING BEAR
(Wheels over quickly to help RASHIDA)
This is the crumb who started this whole zombie protester mess. Great Society. My a**!

PANCHO
I sure as hell don’t see Pancho Villa here. Nope, nope, he’s a man of independent means. Wouldn’t get caught up in this foolishness.

The Trump Troupe is losing the hard fought battle. The situation is dire.

LINH
I can’t hold off these ghouls much longer!

PETE
What do we do - run for it?

RON
We need deus ex machina right about now!

ALL
(Scream)
What?

MUHAMMAD
(Fighting back Khomeini, to himself)
What DO we do?

KHOMEINI reaches into MUHAMMAD’S pocket, removes a cell phone, smiles and mysteriously leaves.

MUHAMMAD
(Light bulb moment, as he fights back ZOMBIE PROTESTERS)
I got it! (Yells) Listen carefully: these zombie protesters want what we have of value. Empty your pockets of anything of value! Not just money, but credit cards, driver’s licenses, insurance cards, cell phones, keys to your car, keys . . . to your house.

PANCHO
What if I live in an apartment?

PETE
Yeah, what if?

MUHAMMAD
That’ll do! NOW, give them your valuables and slowly step away.

ALL follow suit and, as scripted, the ZOMBIE PROTESTERS slowly exeunt.

ALL drop to their knees in exhaustion. Nothing but songs from the 70s, 80s and 90s emanate from the radio. A time passes…

The door slowly opens with a weak squeak. It’s none other than George SOROS. He grunts and motions for some freebies.

RASHIDA
(Incredulous)
Ain’t this dude like really rich? (Resolved) Soros and his puppets - the Democratic Nazi Party of America, Clinton, Obama - caused all this. F*** him. Let’s get him, Trumpers!

ANNOUNCER
(Dark voice)
WARNING! GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION ABOUT TO OCCUR - VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED...

ALL rush to get up and grab pipes, metal bars, vending machines, rubber hoses, and the like. SOROS realizes what’s happening and slowly tries to backpedal. But…

With smiles on their faces, ALL trounce the goober of the globalists, tearing him limb from limb, like a Thanksgiving Turkey - which isn't difficult because he's a fat, old zombie. During the well-earned take down, the song, “Everyday People” by Sly and the Family Stone, poignantly erupts from the radio. (See: "Everyday People")


CURTAIN


Unless you’re a Willing Welfare Lifer, 1%er, or just plain stupid, don’t be fooled by the Democratic Nazi Party of America, or their presidential selection, Barack Obama. The globalists are running scared. Yeah, well, Donald J. Trump is no angel but his worst traits are saintly compared to the DNPA’s best. If you don’t take that to the bank, the DNPA will take you to the cleaners - and along for a Chicago-style “one way ride.”


© 2016 Vox Populi. All laughs reserved on content crafted anew. Whether you like or hate what you read, feel free to share this with your friends and enemies. The 2016 Election is personal and as an Indie Voter . . . I support Donald J. Trump. (jvhoffmannjr.blogspot.com)


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