Tuesday, July 5, 2016

My Honest Interview with a Crooked Blood Sucker - Hillary Clinton


This Sarcasm Just In…


My Honest Interview with a Crooked Blood Sucker


By Bathhouse John for Vox Populi |  July 5, 2016 at 12 PM (“High Noon”)


As we both exhale and wave away the cleansing smoke from our bodies, Hillary Rodham Clinton and I, a small town reporter, sit across from each other in her small “office,” she on a small cot and I on the hard cement floor. An even smaller window, located 15 feet above the dingy cement floor, emanates less light than a cheap cell phone from the resale shop in downtown Park Ridge, Illinois. Mrs. Clinton is dressed in a bright orange jumpsuit which I say nicely accentuates her blond hair, and especially her slightly yellowing front teeth. Due to my age-induced poor eyesight, I can’t read the stenciled message on the front. In fact, she looks kind of sexy and alluring - like back in the old Arkansas days when, well, the average voter, due to a corrupt media, had no clue.



But, Clinton is in her element now. I, on the other hand, a typical voter seeking the truth, am dressed in my standard fare old tee shirt, worn jeans, and scuffed up running shoes that look like they’re high end cheap outlet but in reality low end name brand. To entice my interviewee, I bring along several packages of chocolate snack cakes, along with my notebook and pens. The snack cakes lie in a neat little row on her cot and I notice her attention is almost completely focused thereon. I offer Clinton a package. At first “highly’ nervous, Clinton tears open a package, lets her teeth and tongue stumble over the delicacy in her mouth, and I begin the interview…


Voter

Tell me a little about yourself?


Hillary

I am ashamed of my humble upbringing in Ohio and Illinois - in the western suburbs.  I deserve the best in life - don’t I?


Voter

How did you meet William?


Hillary

We met like anybody else in a similar relationship - on a lark and surrounded by fairy dust.


My pen suddenly goes dry and I search in my pocket for another one.
Voter
What prompted you to . . . uh, marry him?

Hillary
I needed him! And he needed me! Naturally, there was somewhat of a love-

Suddenly, my ears malfunctioned and I heard something like “beezarre.”

Voter
So sorry. I flunked grammar in college. How do you spell that?

Hillary
B-I-Z-A-R-R-E!

I nodded nervously in the affirmative knowing full well Clinton attended some prestigious school out east.

Voter
Why did you enter politics?

Hillary
THAT’S a stupid question!

Voter
Right, right. Let me rephrase that. Once you decided you didn’t want to work for a living, what aspirations did you have after William became Governor of Arkansas?

A bit perturbed, Hillary grabs another package, struggles to open this particular one, then deftly uses her two front teeth to do the job. After consuming the snack cakes, she continues…

Hillary
Let’s see: Get rich quick; Get powerful quick; Stay both rich and powerful as long as I live without having to work for a living.

Voter
Any particular order to this political playbook?

Hillary doesn’t even try to hold back a chuckle.

Hillary
No! One feeds off of the other. You see, the beauty of money and power is that it insulates you from criminal activity - especially if you’re a Democrat if you consider Nixon’s unfortunate plight and Ted Kennedy’s flight.

Perhaps subconsciously, I drop my pen on the floor and it rolls under Hillary’s orange flip flop. It’s the first time I notice her footware. Her toenails make me want to vomit, truthfully, but I do not lead on to that for fear she’ll “kill the buzz” - and the interview. Hillary brushes her hair out of her eyes; she blinks at me. Is she flirting, I wonder? I quickly retrieve the pen and continue as fast as possible.

Voter
Wait, are you saying-

Hillary
You heard me! Why do you think Donald Trump had to grope and fight his way through every little media-induced problem during the last election cycle? Vlad the Impaler would have been treated with more respect by the liberal media - my peops - if he were running for president.

Suddenly, her voice rises and begins to sound like her trademark - trembling and shrieking. I, on the other hand, could literally shoot somebody or make it look like he shot himself-

Hillary cackles a bit here. Odd, to be sure, I think to myself.

Hillary
And nothing happens? I have money AND POWER whereas Trump only has the former.

I start to get a bit annoyed, as if I stepped in a pile of doo doo with both shoes. Subconsciously, I  drag my feet on the concrete floor as if to scrape them clean of the doo.

Voter
Millions of people lost their jobs in the Great Recession. You and Barack, and I say this with the utmost respect, are creatures of the Crooked Chicago Democratic Machine. Records show you shamelessly took hundreds of millions in “donations” for this sham legal entity you and William surreptitiously call the Clinton Foundation, which is really nothing more than a personal piggy bank. Doesn’t that bother you?

Hillary suddenly gets a bit cranky.

Hillary
First of all, the CF is legal, a creature of the law.

Voter
So were the Anti-Semitic laws in Nazi Germany and the Jim Crow laws here in the United States. That didn’t make them morally-

Hillary
Don’t interrupt me!

At this point, I nervously grabbed and fumbled with a package of snack cakes - and ate as quickly as she vented.

Hillary
Secondly, Tammany Hall’s George Washington Plunkitt said it best, “I saw my opportunities and I took ‘em!” Thus endeth the lesson.

At this point it was Mrs. Clinton’s turn to nervously grab and fumble with a package of snack cakes - and eat as quickly as she replied to her monologue of greed.

Voter
Mrs. Clinton . . . so, is there such a thing as honest graft, honest corruption, in your astute opinion?

Hillary
Where were you educated?

Voter
A small university in the midwest.

Hillary
There you go! Next question.

Voter
Mrs. Clinton - first of all, my condolences for being married to the most selfish, perverted, and two-bit loser of a man. You really deserved better. Maybe, just maybe, you and I wouldn’t be here if that were the case.

I quickly hand her my last snack cake - and she consumes it readily while I continue…

Voter
Obama is the worst president in my lifetime. Further, you and your ilk of both parties robbed the American people of their jobs, self-respect, safety and freedoms, not to mention trust and honor. Do you have anything you’d like to say to them?

Clinton slowly rose, grabbed a toothpick from her bra, stared for a moment into my eyes (Yes - I was nervous . . . on many levels!) and replied…

Hillary
If I had a Bible, I’d throw it at you! Now, get the hell out of here! Guard!

Voter
Mrs. Clinton - thank you for your time.

As I left her "office," and the steel door slammed shut, Hillary, with a tear in her eye, moved quickly to the door, grabbed the bars, and placed her fat cheeks in between the rustiest bars attached to her cell .

Hillary
Please bring me vanilla snack cakes next time. Pretty please? My constituents never knew it but they’re actually my favorite.

I shuddered and walked away.

Naturally, if Hillary went to jail, she’d have nothing to lose in finally telling the truth. President Trump, of course, would not pardon her. Barack Obama could not pardon her because he would not want to commit a faux pas like Gerald Ford. Better to leave sleeping dogs lie if you’re trying to salvage your slipshod reputation. Orange is the new black. But alas, as Hillary Clinton indicates in this fictitious, although fact-based interview, money and power protects the most crooked of our politicians, including her . . . or?



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