Friday, November 18, 2016

Mr. Soros and the Russians (A Short Stage Play of Long Lasting Geopolitical Proportions)

This Sarcasm Just In...

Mr. Soros and the Russians (A Short Stage Play of Long Lasting Geopolitical Proportions)

By Bathhouse John for Vox Populi | November 17, 2016 at 12 PM (“High Noon”)

CHARACTERS

Vladimir Ilyich LENIN (Famed Russian Revolutionary)
Leon TROTSKY (Famed Russian Revolutionary)
George SOROS/SCHWARTZ (Fat, Old Billionaire Globalist, Discredit to the Jewish People)
Warren BUFFETT (Robotic Billionaire, Quasi Globalist, Dimwit)
REVEREND WRONG (Minister to President Obama and Many Other Democrats)
CHELSEA the Waitress (Clinton Heir)

SETTING

Jim Ho's Pork Pit in South Central Los Angeles. The Hypothetical Present. A Sit Down between SOROS and BUFFETT and famed Russian revolutionaries, LENIN and TROTSKY. Per a recommendation by President Reject, Barack Obama, to SOROS, REVEREND WRONG, opens up the meeting with a prayer…

REVEREND WRONG
Dear God, governments fail. The government in this text comprised of Caesar, Cornelius, Pontius Pilate – the Roman government failed. The British government used to rule from east to west. The British government had a Union Jack. She colonised Kenya, Ghana, Nigeria, Jamaica, Barbados, Trinidad and Hong Kong. Her navies ruled the seven seas all the way down to the tip of Argentina in the Falklands, but the British failed. The Russian government failed. The Japanese government failed. The German government failed. And the United States of America government, when it came to treating her citizens of Indian decent fairly, she failed. She put them on reservations. When it came to treating her citizens of Japanese decent fairly, she failed. She put them in internment prison camps. When it came to treating her citizens of African decent fairly, America failed. She put them in chains. The government put them in slave quarters, put them on auction blocks, put them in cotton fields, put them in inferior schools, put them in substandard housing, put them in scientific experiments, put them in the lowest paying jobs, put them outside the equal protection of the law, kept them out of their racist bastions of higher education and locked them into position of hopelessness and helplessness. The government gives them the drugs, builds bigger prisons, passes a three-strike law, and then wants us to sing “God Bless America.” No, no, no. Not “God Bless America”; God Damn America! (Chokes violently and reaches for bottled water, replete with floaties and yellow tint, and emblazoned with the brand name, “Genuine Unfiltered Flint, Michigan”

LENIN
(To TROTSKY)
Ouch!

TROTSKY
(Looks away in embarrassment)
Sure glad he’s not Russian.

LENIN pours some salt from the salt shaker, into his left hand, and tosses it over his right shoulder, getting a few grains in SOROS’ eyes-

SOROS
Ignet! Ignet!

LENIN
There. I feel better.

WRONG
That’s in the Bible, for killing innocent people. God Damn America for treating her non-white citizens as less than human. God Damn America as long as she keeps trying to act like she is God and she is supreme! Amen.

SOROS
(Jumps up, rubs eyes, excited)
Thank you, Reverend Wrong for your inspiration.

LENIN
(Leans over, to TROTSKY)
Yeah, like the Bubonic Plague was an inspiration to humanity.

TROTSKY
(Tries not to laugh)
Hmm.

WRONG approaches SOROS, who hands him a folded check, then leaves after stealing some utensils and breadsticks along the way.

SOROS
Mr. Lenin, Mr. Trotsky . . . thank you both for coming, You know my sidekick, Warren Buff-

BUFFETT
The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything.

LENIN and TROTSKY eye one another with suspicion.

SOROS
Let me get straight to the point: I need you two to help overthrow the democracy of America. I currently have gobs of money funneling into various operations and blobs of people that my organization pays to protest against-

LENIN
(Could care less)
My sources tell me you had dinner with the fifth most popular Beatle the other day.

BUFFETT
I've seen more people fail because of liquor and leverage - leverage being borrowed money. You really don't need leverage in this world much. If you're smart, you're going to make a lot of money without borrowing.

SOROS
(A bit miffed)
Really, Warren?

TROTSKY
And had your fat a** dragged out of Omaha.

SOROS
(Flustered, to Lenin)
You, you mean the fourth Beat-

LENIN
Where did you get your degree from, ITT Tech? I attended the prestigious, Kazan Imperial University. Nyet, the fifth most popular Beatle - behind John, Ringo, George, and Pete.

SOROS
Pete Best - ah, ha, yes. I forgot. You got me, Vladimir.

LENIN
Only Krupskaya and my friends call me that. YOU . . . call me Lenin.

SOROS
Naturally. By the way, I learned most of what I know from Hitler and the Nazis: evil can sure teach you a wide range of strategies.

LENIN
Whereas an abuser was your role model, we Russians executed our abuser - the Czar and his family.

CHELSEA the waitress delivers the plates of food loaded with gobs of pork. LENIN and TROTSKY disgustingly push plates aside. A homeless Black man, outside looking in, stares at SOROS as he greedily picks up a huge barbecue rib and devours it.

TROTSKY
I suppose Borscht Soup is out of the question?

SOROS
(As he chews, to CHELSEA)
My little bab!
(Pats CHELSEA’S hair with slimy hand)

CHELSEA
(Angry)
Eww! Don’t touch me you filthy Anti-Semite!
(Primps now sticky hair)

SOROS
(Chuckles)
Well, I am a former Semite, bab. Besides, I thought Hillary was not discriminatory. I mean, I raised my kids to love and respect anyone who doesn’t get in their way.

CHELSEA
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree now, does it?

TROTSKY
(Motions to SOROS, mutters to LENIN)
Definitely a sow.

LENIN
(Loudly)
A 1% swine!

SOROS
(Continues eating, to CHELSEA)
You remind me of someone - and it’s not your father. (Pauses as if to drop dead) Chelsea, oh  Chelsea! All this talk of actually fighting for the good of the people while I eat is giving me an upset stomach. Do you have any bicarbonate of soda? I want to stuff my face with the porridge of the people and avoid getting sick.

CHELSEA
(Embarrassed and disgusted, flippantly)
I'll check, Mr. Schwartz.

SOROS
(Embarrassed)
How do you know my real name? Only people close to me know that, er, or Wikileaks.

CHELSEA
(Winks)
I know.

BUFFETT
What comment I hate the most from my customers whom I trying to make money off of is, “Don’t call us, we’ll call you.”

SOROS
Shut up, Warren! Never thought I’d say this, but you’re actually starting to get to me . . . just like you did to the least favorite Beatle, Paul.

LENIN
So . . . that's your real name. Schwartz? (Laughs) I thought Soros sounded, how should I say this, like bulls***.

SOROS
(Laughs nervously)
Oh, but you can't call me that, only my closest-

LENIN
Listen, you fat, old industrialist. You even shame the likes of Carnegie and Ford. Now, I don't give a rat’s fart on the Steppes in the middle of the coldest Russian winter if you like it or not, I'm a man of precise words and actions and led a real revolution. Angry mobs, I didn’t hide behind them and certainly didn’t need to pay them to be there. I led them from the front of the line. That being said, I'll call you whatever I want . . . Schwartz. (To himself) Mr. Black, figures. (Eyes Trotsky)

TROTSKY
(Eyes Lenin, shakes his head)
Loser.

BUFFETT
What an investor needs is the ability to correctly evaluate-

TROTSKY
(Covers BUFFETT’S mouth)
Shut up, globalist.

SCHWARTZ
(Bows head)
At your service.

LENIN
The late, great, Dr. Stephen B. Horak of Eastern Illinois University said that I was "one of the smartest men in the world but fought for the wrong cause." I disagree. I fought for freeing the Russian people but my damn aneurysm ruined my plans.

TROTSKY
You could say that. AND your little brain fart led to my ass getting whacked - by an axe to the skull . . . by Stalin.

ALL
The man of steel.

SCHWARTZ, slimy fingers and all, tries to get a pickle out of a jar. LENIN takes it out of his hand and does it in a split second.

SCHWARTZ
You remind me of my close, close friend, Barry O-

LENIN
Listen here, Schwartz: Barack Hussein Obama would not have lasted five hours in the Russian Revolution. Obama a revolutionary? Nyet! A crybaby far left liberal who simply rakes his followers hands in the fire. His Zombie Protesters suffer while the south side thug takes all the credit. BLM - in the White House? “Pigs in a blanket, fry ‘em like bacon.” Are you kidding me, Schwartz? . . . cuz if you are not, I’ll pound your Nazi a** right into sausage.

TROTSKY
(To Schwartz)
Watch out . . . they'll eventually hunt your a** way on down to Mexico City and crush your skull with an axe, like Stalin-

ALL
The man of steel.

TROTSKY
Did to me.

CHELSEA returns...

CHELSEA
I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz, but we have no natural antacids. We do have coumadin which may cause you to bleed out of your orifices - if that pleases you, sir?

SCHWARTZ
Damnable pork restaurants. Fine, fine. It takes a rat to know one.

TROTSKY
Sure beats an axe to the head, Schwartz.


BUFFETT
What an investor needs is the ability to correctly evaluate selected businesses. Note that word-

SCHWARTZ
(Agitated - like when Trump won the election, to BUFFETT)
I mean it Warren - shut the f*** up or I'm calling my EBT Hit Squad on you. (To Trotsky) Who will crush my skull with an axe - Sean Hannity and the Alt Right?

TROTSKY
No - Jeff Bezos, Mark Cuban and the Alt Left.

SCHWARTZ
Oh, yeah, that communist cigar guy.

LENIN
(Thoroughly disgusted)
Leon - what happened to those leaders who lead these so-called revolutions, today? We were educated, cut our teeth on real events during tragic times like WWI, but these idiots-

TROTSKY
I know, Vladimir. I know . . . Donald J. Trump legally, morally and ethically-

LENIN
Oh, boy, that Hillary Clinton was such a crook!

TROTSKY
Won the election and all of the sudden the entire left wing acts like they've been wronged and turn Tinkerbell.

LENIN
You can say that again, Leon-

BOTH giggle as they list the "extreme actions" taken by the Alt Left to countermand their deep sense of loss...

TROTSKY
Cry-ins and crayons...

LENIN
Playdoh, aroma and pet therapy...

TROTSKY
Fully paid Zombie Protesters...

SCHWARTZ
(Interjects with a smile)
Justified hate crimes!

A silence reigns as if someone cut the cheese - but no one’s copping to the crime.

SCHWARTZ
Anywho - are you two willing to help me and my goober globalist friends overthrow America?

ALL eye BUFFETT who has that obligatory stupid grin on his face.

SCHWARTZ
(Feigning pride
Don’t let him fool you, gentlemen. We're much tougher than we look.

LENIN
Leon?

TROTSKY
Vladimir?

BUFFETT
What an investor needs is the ability to correctly evaluate selected businesses. Note that word "selected": You don't have to be an expert...

As BUFFETT pontificates...

LENIN
I've had enough of these globalist criminals trying to overthrow a good and legitimate government. Let's blow this popsicle stand, Trotsky.

LENIN and TROTSKY exeunt.

SCHWARTZ
(Naive)
Is that a no?

AS THE TWO HEROES EXIT...

LENIN
Leon - look at Putin. He's is what Russia was meant to be: a strong country, leading the world. The far left crybabys and their goofy leaders, Obama and Clinton, never understood the deep historical connection the Russians and Americans have had in our history: when all the major powers sat on the sidelines with baited breath for America’s presumed dissolution, Russia was the only major power to support President Lincoln’s government;  then WWI, and most importantly with world civilization on the ropes because of the a****** Nazis, Russia had America’s back-

TROTSKY
(Interjects)
With all due respect to  the American people, Vladimir - front and both sides as well . . . certainly until 1944.

LENIN
You could say that, although Russia was grateful for their Lend Lease supplies.

TROTSKY
Naturally.

LENIN
As surely America was with Russia’s massive diffusion of blood.

TROTSKY
I don't know. Putin should be leading the world first - then as a strong country.

LENIN
Nyet, a strong country first. My babushka, hair splitting got you that axe in the skull.

TROTSKY
Ay, yai, yai - What about Trump?

LENIN
1%ers and their peops in America fear Trump and Putin for the same reasons that the power elite feared you and I: they fear positive change which means less power, and a strong labor force which means less profit; two of mankind's most foolish and greedy emotions.

TROTSKY
It appears Trump’s wielding his axe against the greedy globalists, huh Vladimir?

LENIN
AS does Putin….

MEANWHILE...

BUFFETT
What an investor needs is the ability to correctly evaluate selected businesses. Note that word "selected": You don't have to be an expert on every company, or even many. You only have to be able to-

SCHWARTZ looks at BUFFET, explodes in anger, drags his babbling a** outside and beats the pork out of him.


CURTAIN


Unless you’re a Willing Welfare Lifer, 1%er, or just plain stupid, don’t be fooled by the Democratic Nazi Party of America, or their presidential selection, Barack Obama. The globalists are running scared. Yeah, well, Donald J. Trump is no angel but his worst traits are saintly compared to the DNPA’s best. If you don’t take that to the bank, the DNPA will take you to the cleaners - and along for a Chicago-style “one way ride.”


© 2016 Vox Populi. All laughs reserved on content crafted anew. Whether you like or hate what you read, feel free to share this with your friends and enemies. The 2016 Election is personal and as an Indie Voter . . . I support President-Elect Donald J. Trump. (jvhoffmannjr.blogspot.com)


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