Monday, January 2, 2017

The Purge: An Inaugural Day Farce

This Sarcasm Just In...


The Purge: An Inaugural Day Farce


By Bathhouse John for Vox Populi | January 2, 2017 at 12 PM (“High Noon”)


A short farcical political sketch based upon the ultimately gory slasher movie, The Purge: Election Year - specifically the “Candy Bar Girls” scene. (See: The Actual Scene)


FORCES OF EVIL
George SOROS
Hillary CLINTON Crooked Hillary (HC2H - the perfect formula for corruption)
Nancy PELOSI
Michael MOORE
Georgetown PROFESSOR Chastity FENG GU Fairly
ZOMBIE PROTESTERS


FORCES OF GOOD
Habib MUHAMMAD
Donald J. TRUMP
HANNITY
RINGO Starr
FALCO (Spirit)
NEWT Gingrich


SPECIAL GUEST STARS
SEAL TEAM SIX
Vladimir PUTIN
SPETSNAZ (Russian Special Forces)


SETTING
A liquor store, in San Bernardino, California, owned by a hard-working American taxpayer named Habib MUHAMMAD.


President-Elect, Donald J. TRUMP, since winning the election fair and square on November 8, 2016, has been under attack - unleashed by the goober globalists led by George SOROS and his babs (puppets). TRUMP is trapped inside the liquor store the night before the inauguration, along with HABIB, RINGO Starr, famed Austrian rock star FALCO (In spirit only), and NEWT Gingrich . . . as the undemocratic evil forces of the goober globalists surround the forces of good.


EXTERIOR OF THE LIQUOR STORE
The FORCES OF EVIL, dressed in spooky Halloween costumes and carrying various weapons - including, but not limited to Uzis, AK-47s, machetes, and various small arms - surround the entrance of the liquor store as MUHAMMAD and TRUMP observe them from the roof of the establishment directly above. To set the twisted emotion of this political slasher movie, Miley Cyrus’, “Party in the U.S.A.”, emanates from a random loudspeaker somewhere. (See: Miley's Classic)


SOROS, wearing a mask that has the phrase, “World Domination” written in blood, or what appears to be blood, picks his nose while CLINTON, wearing a mask that has the phrase, “You Should Have Voted For Me!” written in 24K gold, licks her cracked, raunchy lips. PELOSI, a staunch anti-second amendment advocate, carries only a broom. MOORE carries a circular saw, PROFESSOR FENG GU, a known backstabber and cutthroat, carries several machetes, and of course several ZOMBIE PROTESTERS carry signs, illicit drugs and bad manners - along with several shotguns and handguns.
TRUMP and MUHAMMAD, each carrying automatic rifles, look a tad bit concerned but know it’s nothing they cannot handle.


HANNITY
(Holds up sign stating, “PC Disclaimer”)
Liberal readers - please don’t be offended by the use of a word - any word - that even tangentially refers to a firearm, gun, weapon, etc. which shoots projectiles viz-a-viz gunpowder. Vox Populi wants you to keep reading….


TRUMP
What a bunch of whiners.


MUHAMMAD
No doubt.


TRUMP
Hey, Habib - why did you vote for me, you know, being a Muslim and all?


MUHAMMAD
Are you kidding me? I know you care about our country and are not anti-Muslim, whereas I know Clinton cares only about herself, could care less about Muslims and is a bab of Soros.


TRUMP
Bab?


MUHAMMAD
The writer of this short farcical political sketch insisted on using the Hungarian word for “puppet” in the dialogue.


TRUMP
(Nods)
Oh, yeah.


CLINTON removes her mask, and it’s apparent she’s been crying, then stares up at TRUMP and MUHAMMAD. Just because, MUHAMMAD shoots at here - but intentionally misses.


CLINTON
(Yells)
Ohh! (Laughs) Happy purge you old farts!


MUHAMMAD
(Yells)
You better go back to the Democratic Nazi Party of America headquarters!


CLINTON
(Grabs lip with fat, pudgy fingers, coughs as she yells)
I got one wicked sweet tooth for crime tonight . . . and I want my presidency; me and my minions are going to try and steal it.


TRUMP
(Resigned, cocks gun, to himself)
Crooked Hillary…


CLINTON
(Yells, points)
You don’t have the balls to stop me! (Cackles)


MUHAMMAD and TRUMP eye their own crotches and fire down below, hitting a surprised CLINTON in one of her pointed ears.


TRUMP
(Yells)
I actually have a pair! I don’t want to repeat myself again. Go! I won fair and square - without votes from illegals and DNC Blue Shirts stuffing the ballot boxes.


CLINTON
(Enraged, yells)
I already eliminated the working taxpayers and the poor; you’re next Donald! I want my presidency, conservative dildo! (Motions to rest)


The forces of evil celebrate the anticipated bludgeoning of the democratic system and dance around like college kids at Georgetown University . . . high on PCP.


TRUMP and MUHAMMAD exeunt as the crowd shouts, “Not my president!”, “Obama cares about me not you!” and “Better to borrow from the taxpayer to pay the Democratic constituency!”


INTERIOR OF THE LIQUOR STORE


TRUMP, MUHAMMAD, RINGO, NEWT and FALCO (In spirit, but visible) cluster around the front door. They listen to the anti-democratic, satanic chants.


TRUMP
To hell with them!


MUHAMMAD
No s***!


RINGO
Trump, you knew the presidency wouldn’t come easy.


NEWT
No worries, gentlemen.


FALCO
(To Trump, auf Deutsch)
Willst du mich die S******* aus den Verbrecher schrecken?
(Do you want me to scare the s*** out of the criminals?)


NEWT
(To Falco)
Nein, mein Freund, aber vielen Dank. Trump muss es sich selbst tun.


(No, my friend, however many thanks. Trump must go it alone.)


FALCO
(To himself, auf Deutsch)
Dummkopf Amis. Alle müssen immer kompliziert sein.
(Dumb Americans. Everything has to always be so complicated.)


HANNITY
(Magically appears)
What do you expect from the Democrats?


RINGO
(Confused)
What are you doing here?


MUHAMMAD
(Startled)
Yeah, Hannity?


TRUMP
(Deep in thought)
Sorry, Sean. Appreciate the help but this is my short farcical political sketch.


FALCO
(Auf Deutsch)
Ich weiss das Gefühl, Hannity. Lass uns gehen!
(I know the feeling, Hannity. Come on!)


HANNITY
(Exits)
Aw, shucks!


FALCO
(P.O.’d, auf Deutsch)
Mehr wie f*** dieses S*******!
(More like f*** this s***!)


FALCO and HANNITY exeunt.


EXTERIOR OF THE LIQUOR STORE


CLINTON
(Actually serious for once)
I hate Donald! F***! (Looks around like a shoplifter in Walmart) And I have my friends to help me get the presidency!


MOORE starts the circular saw and starts cutting through the front door.


INTERIOR OF THE LIQUOR STORE


MUHAMMAD
In spite of knowing their lines in this short farcical political sketch, and how it ends, they’re stupid enough to try and come inside.


NEWT and RINGO look around thoroughly confused, like “What the bloody f*** is he talking about?” The sound of the circular saw cutting metal is heard.


MUHAMMAD
(To Trump)
We have to get you out of her - like last week!


TRUMP
That’s awful nice of you, but both entrances are blocked. Besides (Eyes automatic rifle), I like a fair fight.


RINGO
I like your spunk, Trump, but there’s a hell of a lot more of them than us.


TRUMP
Yeah, but they’re Democrats led by a goober globalist, George Soros-


EXTERIOR OF LIQUOR STORE


SOROS
Ich heard dat, Herr Trump!


INTERIOR OF LIQUOR STORE


NEWT
(Shakes head)
Keep forgetting this is a short farcical political sketch.


EXTERIOR OF LIQUOR STORE


CLINTON
(Lunges at front door as she coughs and speaks)
I’m going to make you pay, Donald!


INTERIOR OF LIQUOR STORE


The sound of the circular saw cutting through metal gets louder and louder.


MUHAMMAD
Now what, Mr. President-Elect?


ALL eye TRUMP.


TRUMP
You guys all understand what’s at stake, here, right?


NEWT
Of course - cut the Wharton School pep talk, Donald.


ALL nod.


TRUMP
(Eyes all)
Right, right, right. I say we just wait till the bums break in and blast ‘em to high hell!


RINGO
What happens if we get blasted?


MUHAMMAD
This is no happy ending Hollywood Beatles movie, Ringo.


RINGO
Right, right, right.  


TRUMP
Load and lock!


NEWT
(If only disgusted in the slightest, shakes head)
Lock and load, Donald. Lock and load.


TRUMP
(Embarrassed)
My apologies, Sensei. The military school I attended might as well have been a cooking school.


NEWT
Figures. It does help to grow up in Georgia, y’all.


RINGO
Or Liverpool, mates. Pretty tough neighborhood.


TRUMP
What about you, Muhammad? What was Karachi like?


MUHAMMAD
Uh, I grew up in Detroit, my homies.


ALL
Right, right, right.


EXTERIOR OF LIQUOR STORE


SOROS
(Does Hungarian folk dance)
We’re going to purge today! We’re going to purge today! Only working taxpayers will wear frown.


PROFESSOR FENG GU
(In own crazy world)
I am not a crook! I am not a-


MOORE
(Struggles with circular saw, loses control)
Aww, s***! (Kills PROFESSOR FENG GU) Great!


PROFESSOR FENG GU drops her machetes on the ground. Believe it or not, though “cut down to size” without her Facebook postings, with so much evil inside, the professor dies a slow, trembling, albeit painful death.


PELOSI
(Sticks broom in Moore’s face)
What do you mean, “Great?” You killed the conniving dolt.


MOORE
(Pushes broom away)
I mean you dull the blade when you cut into flesh.


PELOSI
I don’t understand.


MOORE
(Wipes blood, bone and tissue off of blade, frustrated)
Listen missy: this is a short farcical political sketch and I don’t have time to explain this to you. (To Clinton) By the way, is this operation bonded and insured?


CLINTON
(Without a care)
Of course not!


MOORE
Just asking. (To himself) Stupid know-it-all professor. Georgetown no less. (Continues cutting at front door)


CLINTON
(Picks up machete)
Ooh. A freebie!


ZOMBIE PROTESTERS
(Quickly gather around)
Freebies!


CLINTON plays Shogun Warrior - though in a Freudian way thinking like Lorena Bobbitt - and accidentally beheads several ZOMBIE PROTESTERS.


CLINTON
(Unfazed)
Damn! It’s all your fault! (Points machete to the remaining followers) Get out of the way! (Cuts herself) F***!


INTERIOR OF THE LIQUOR STORE


TRUMP
All right. I’ll take the front with Muhammad. Newt and Ringo - you guys take the back.


NEWT
Whoa, I’m no elite Seal Team 6 member! No offense, but Ringo’s just the world’s greatest drummer. I, on the other hand, am the world’s greatest political debater. Thusly, I need Trump by my side. We’re a team.


RINGO
I appreciate the vote of confidence, Newt, but at least I have arm strength to fight off my attackers. What will you do, verbally asphyxiate them?


MUHAMMAD
Both of you are not much if it comes down to military showdown.


NEWT
Hey, Ringo - kiss my a**!


RINGO
Kiss off, Figgy!


NEWT and RINGO come close to blows. TRUMP intervenes as if they’re Republicans and Democrats.


TRUMP
Calm down, boys! We’re about to be attacked by the forces of evil and you guys are arguing over who’s the weaker warrior? (To MUHAMMAD) Take Ringo to the back door and I’ll take Newt to the front door.


MUHAMMAD
Yes, sir, Mr. President. God Go with us!


TRUMP
No s***!


The sound of the circular saw erupts as loud as ever.


TRUMP
Go! Go!


MUHAMMAD and RINGO exeunt.


BACK DOOR OF THE LIQUOR STORE.


MUHAMMAD
Let’s sit and wait. Aim your gun at the forces of evil. Please do not shoot me, OK?


RINGO
KK.


MUHAMMAD
Oh, Allah….


FRONT DOOR OF THE LIQUOR STORE.


NEWT
I know exactly what I’m doing, Donald-


TRUMP
Newt . . . just shut your flapper for once and listen. Make sure you shoot them and not me, OK?


NEWT
Geez! No s***!


TRUMP
Oh, God….


EXTERIOR OF THE LIQUOR STORE


CLINTON
(Yells at TRUMP, as if he gives a rat’s fart)
The Democratic Nazi Party of America rules this country! It’s a war for the presidency! Like Bill in a cathouse, I’ll just take whatever the hell I want! I got the Mainstream Media on my side. (Evil smile) Like taking candy from a baby, Donald!


PELOSI
The working taxpayers are not going to like this, Hillary!


CLINTON
We Dems will get what we want and what we deserve . . . and nobody’s going to stop us!


SOROS
(Yells)
Bye, bye, Herr Donald Ducker!


CLINTON
(Enraged like when Bill was caught in the Monica Lewinsky deal) Here comes Madame President!


MOORE
(Excited as if enjoying world famous Portillo’s Italian Beef sandwich)
Almost there!


ZOMBIE PROTESTERS
(Smoking weed)
Free! Free!


PELOSI
(Strokes broom, in a daze)
Long live left wing liberalism!


SOROS
(Laughs uproariously, can barely breathe)
Igen! Igen!


FRONT DOOR OF THE LIQUOR STORE


TRUMP
(Yells so all can hear)
Here come the whiners!


EXTERIOR OF THE LIQUOR STORE


As the evil forces dance and celebrate in preparation to try and overturn the legal election of Donald J. Trump, DEUS EX MACHINA saves the day. SEAL TEAM SIX accompanied by Russian President, Vladimir PUTIN, and SPETSNAZ, Russian Special Forces, arrive to destroy the goober globalists, these so-called forces of evil. Here’s what happens:


1/ When told there are no “freebies”, the ZOMBIE PROTESTERS willingly go home.


2/ Nancy PELOSI, old and frail, having had one too many facelifts, goes back to the land of make believe, AKA San Francisco, and is randomly killed by an illegal alien.


3/ Georgetown PROFESSOR Chastity FENG GU Fairly was already dead, remember?


4/ Arrested, tried and convicted for inciting riots, Michael MOORE died of starvation while on work release at a donut plant in Michigan.


5/ George SOROS was arrested and extradited to Russia for crimes against the Russian people. He was last seen crying on his way to a gulag somewhere near a mosquito-infested bog north of Archangel.


6/ Naturally, Hillary CLINTON Crooked Hillary (HC2H - the perfect formula for corruption), was forced into retirement by the sickened taxpayers. Unfortunately, the Fleece in Chief, Barack Hussein Obama, pardoned her - preventing the Department of Justice from prosecuting the Clinton Crime Family for its many high crimes and misdemeanors. So, the people of the Great State of New York, and in particular the residents of Chappaqua, New York, were resigned to putting up with her crappy attitude and self denials to the last days of her completely crooked life.


And the people’s president, Donald J. Trump, was sworn in as America’s 45th President and saves her from the Obama-esque, Chicago-style socialistic abyss. America’s relations with Russia become close, as they should be, to fight the ISIS menace and stop the sneaky globalist goobers from destroying us as individuals and as nations.


Unless you’re an Angry Liberal Voter, Willing Welfare Lifer, 1%er, or just plain stupid, don’t be fooled by the Democratic Nazi Party of America, or their presidential selection, Barack Obama. The globalists are running scared. Yeah, well, Donald J. Trump is no angel but his worst traits are saintly compared to the DNPA’s best. If you don’t take that to the bank, the DNPA will take you to the cleaners - and along for a Chicago-style “one way ride.”

© 2017 Vox Populi. All laughs reserved on content crafted anew. Whether you like or hate what you read, feel free to share this with your friends and enemies. The Presidency of Donald J. Trump is vital to America’s survival and as an Indie Voter . . . I support him wholeheartedly. (jvhoffmannjr.blogspot.com)

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